Saturday, August 8, 2015

Choked Up

I hate the thing that I’ve become.
Little voice inside my head
A tiny hammer pounding, pounding
Darkness inside me

I hate the thing that I’ve become
My failures glaring
Anger holding me
At bay

Always searching, hoping
Lying to myself
Always striving for some ridiculous thing
Out of focus
Out of reach

I hate the thing you’ve twisted me into.
A mangled, bitter fucking mess
Leave it lay
Leave it on the floor

Wish I were as cool as you
As smart and smugly superior
Wish I had all the answers
But I don’t

I’m just a stupid girl
A fool, trying
An idiot who never makes you happy
The dumb bitch in the corner

Sunday, August 2, 2015


It’s been so long since I’ve been here
The white screen beckons
Add text to me,” it says
Write. Write. Write.

It’s in me now
The old familiar fire
The need to love
To write, to live

It’s the only happiness I’ve ever known
I let it be squandered
I let it drift

Said it was too painful
That I could only write for you
For love

Said, thought, bled so many things
But this is mine
The words, the heart that beats
Is mine

Mine to give, to take away
Can’t let you have everything.
Can’t let fear hold me back
Need to breathe, need to explore

Need to write.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Strange Alice

I stalk my friends from a distance
Are they writing? Painting? Thriving?
I close my eyes and picture them storming the stage
Grabbing the world by the balls

They say, "Where are you girl? Where have you been?"
I'm the one with round cheeks and pudgy fingers
Pressed against the dirty window
Watching in silence--a ghost--a visitor

A smear of chocolate the only proof  the glass can offer

Have they dusted off their blogs? 
Or forgotten them as I have?
Questions question in a heartbeat
Answers far more obscure

And I feel it again
The old envy and frustration
I should be writing, painting, storming too
Toss back my head

Open up my mouth
And let the shit come screaming out
Let it shoot rays of light into the sky
Let the buried thoughts take shape

Bear fruit, become real
Before my eyes cloud my mind
Before my fingers gnarl and knot
While Alice still hunts the rabbit...