The Farmhouse

I know the ivory paint is chipped and peeling. I know the dusty floorboards creak under my weight. I know that the odd splinter will find you if you're not paying attention.

But I don't care.

I love this place.

I love the cobwebs in the corners. I love the lace curtains rippling in the breeze from the open windows. The sunlight reaching across the old subway tile offers a warm greeting each morning. The wobbly Robin's egg blue kitchen table bids me to sit and sip my coffee; invites me to watch the hummingbirds from one of it's well worn chairs.

I love this house.

As a child I explored each nook and cranny. Hid in the pantry and shouted, "Boo!" at my Grandmother as she kneaded pie dough. I played in the attic. Accidentally locked myself in the basement once. Helped plant and harvest Grandma's vegetable garden. This old farmhouse is where I learned to sew and cook and what the value of a dollar was. It's grove of trees is where I learned to laugh and swing and dream.

This is home.

I looked at the mail littering the top of the old blue table. The red letters glared at me--an open challenge. Past Due. I didn't move to open it. I'm sure it read the same as the rest of them. Grandma's face smiled at me from the fireplace mantle. Past Due. Why in the hell didn't she ever once say anything about the bank?

Heart Song

 Lipstick red roses scattered across a pristine bed.

Carefully crafted make-up streaking recklessly over flushed cheeks.

Photographs of who we used to be smile from gilded frames.

The best laid plans of mice and men gone awry. Again.

And my heart song breaks--crackles and sighs into somber silence. It spins on a ghostly record player. It whispers a death gasp, faint, but serene.

The constant hush unnerves me..

It's soft on the delicately scented pillows. It's softer still in the hollow of my neck. Not that you care. Not that you remember. 

It's funny how the pills somehow dull the senses. My nails gleam brightly against the bottle.

My heart beats wildly. Pounds in my ears. Its the only sound to drown the pain. 

Mascara tears. Perfume. And love. 

Please tell me there was love. Broken and imperfect, but still love, yes?

I look to the ceiling for sacred answers. But it's just a ceiling. What can drywall say that hasn't already been spewed and dissected? 

My eyelids weight me down so I close them.

My heart song skips. Still the record spins. The turntable hums. Its just breath now. A prayer unanswered.

Maybe I'll just sleep. Sleep to evade. Sleep dream. Dream of heart songs that ring strong and clear. Or maybe not...maybe I'm not that naive anymore.

The bottle slips from my grasp.

Pills scatter across the floor.

The record slows. 

Skips.

Shh....

Love Is a Crispy Egg-roll

“What’s this?” I scornfully pushed the brown gelatinous log around my plate.

“What’s what?” Mary looked at me with sincere confusion, eyes red rimmed with fatigue.

I pointed at the mutant morsel she had set before me. She rolled her eyes. “It’s an egg-roll, George. Eat it.” I frowned, not quite sure I believed her. I stabbed it. I swear a small, strained voice shouted, “Help me!”

“What’s wrong with it?” I asked her. “Nothing,” she retorted. I speared it again with my fork. Death spasms gripped it and the guts came spilling out of the limp, lifeless wrapper. White chicken meat for blood—it was a massacre on my dinner plate. “I think it’s dead.” She scoffed, “Perhaps it’s a bit soggy, but it tastes fine. Just eat it.” I flipped the crime against Chinese cuisine over and gaped in pure horror at the clear slime oozing over its rump. “Why isn’t it crispy?”

Annoyance stiffened the angle of Mary’s shoulders. “I microwaved it. I was tired. It’s been a long day and the twins had me up all night. I just wanted to fix something quick and easy that would at least be warm in your tummy. I’m sorry!” Her head tilted forward and I could see that she could barely keep her eyes open. The twins, huh? Yes, I could see those adorable little soul-suckers keeping her up. But there was still no excuse for the travesty she was deceitfully passing off as food. “I see,” I said, crestfallen. “You don’t love me anymore.”

Her head snapped up and sleepy disorientation pulled her eyebrows together. “Huh? What do you mean I don’t love you anymore?” I turned slightly away from her to hide my smirk and continued in a wounded voice. “It’s okay Mary, the last two years have been great. I knew having the twins would change things, couldn’t really expect you to love me forever. Don’t worry about it.” 

She sat up straight in her chair, suddenly awake. “How can you say that?! The Orange Chicken and rice are okay, aren’t they? No complaints there, right?”  I sniffed softly to myself, but loud enough that she could hear me. “Well…I didn’t want to say anything…” Her bloodshot Hawk eyes narrowed to slits. “What’s wrong with the Orange Chicken, George?” Her words ground against her teeth.

I shrugged. “It’s nothing…it’s…” I paused for effect. “Well, do you remember back when you used to love me?” I heard her outraged gasp of protest, but plunged on quickly. “You remember you used to make the Orange Chicken look so pretty? You’d put diced scallions over top, a lovely fringe of white rice edging the tasty, perfectly golden brown chicken. The orange sauce would gracefully cascade over the top—pretty as a picture.” I looked at the pile of slop all mixed together, no scallions in sight and sighed with sweet reverie. “And the egg-rolls! Oh the crispy, delectable egg-rolls! That’s when you loved me, Mary, that’s when. Do you remember?”

I met her stunned, slack-jawed expression. It was so hard not to laugh.

Her pathetic protest: “You can’t be serious! I was so tired…I made it exactly the same!”

I squeezed her hand to offer comfort. “It’s okay,” I said. I stabbed a soggy chunk of egg-roll and tried to pick it up, but it slid defiantly off of my fork, plopping on my plate in a gooey slush. “I’ll eat the egg-roll of decayed love. I won’t complain.” She jumped to her feet and spirited my plate away. The sad lonely, smashed egg-roll bit—that I’d finally speared successfully—hung from my fork in midair.

She said nothing, but the slamming of cupboard doors and pots spoke violently. I sneaked a peek into the kitchen. Even the stove seemed to complain as the tic, tic, tic gave way to the angry whoosh of flames. She poured oil into the skillet. I walked carefully into the room, tossed the diseased disfigured roll in the sink, and clapped my hands together like a little school girl. “I knew you still loved me!” Mary whirled on me, a frozen egg-roll clutched dangerously between the talons of her cooking tongs. “Babe,” she snapped, “dead man walking.” I grinned broadly and risked a quick kiss on her cheek. I practically skipped to the dinning room. Yup, I thought, nothing says love like a crispy egg-roll.

The Masterpiece

“You can’t be serious!”

Abraham looked sympathetically at his friend. “Ah, but Theo, I am deadly serious. It was his dying wish and who are we to circumvent it?”  He smiled kindly as Theo’s powder blue eyes cleared of the confusion of his many long years and looked lovingly at the panels.

Then they both looked at the fire.

It raged with a controlled vengeance, hungry enough to devour the world but held fast to its leash. The wood panels lay innocently on the ground. The moonlight flickered—no—caressed the lacquered boards. Paint flowed in a perfect succession of brush strokes—wild—then calm. An old man’s face loomed from a sea of Mars black, etched in the paint. Cobalt eyes wept with both love and pity. The old man floated in the sky high above the world, arms stretched outward…grasping…pleading. A million souls fell into a sea of filth and despair. Engaged in sex and murder, lust and hate they created their own sewer as they drifted to the depths of hell. The sewer split and reemerged on the second panel. Angels sang in a soundless chorus as Jesus raised his arms to his Father. His perfect features begged for mercy.

The two old men stared wordlessly at the panels. The tug of war between father and son, the sorrow dripping from their faces, as they watched man create his own demise was surreal. The angels sang—the first bards to record the Black Day of Judgment. It had taken Charles 54 years to perfect it. He had painted with a two inch brush in broad strokes and then gone over those strokes with the smallest brush he could find. Indeed the tools used to create the piece were laid lovingly beside it. The tiny brush so worn that tape held it together. The fine horse hair bristles were long gone and replaced with the pointed ends of Charles’ own strands.

Theo grasped Abraham’s arms, “Please Abe, reconsider. Once it’s gone…the world should see it! They should know…” he broke off too distraught to finish. Abe squeezed his shoulder. Abe was in his 80’s and in no condition to lift the solid cherry wood, six foot long panels alone. Abraham would need Theo’s help to do this. “We’ll have to work fast Theo or we’ll never have the heart to finish this monstrous act.”

Theo looked up, eyes wet for the loss of their close friend, for the loss of his life’s work. “Monstrous indeed. You know this isn’t right Abe. This is his Masterpiece!” Abraham shook his head slowly. “No Theo. It will be his masterpiece when we finish the task at hand. He trusted us. We must follow through.”

They raised the first panel and tossed it with a heave onto the fire. Flames shot up as high as they could see when the lacquer finish struck. The fire was pleased to feast on such a treat. They threw the second panel on top of the first. Theo collapsed from strain and grief. Abraham reached down for the brushes, pallet, and paint. He fed them to the roaring beast.

They watched the panels melt and burn. They watched the flames lick the paint from the boards. They held each other in mourning as the fire began to eat it. When the last flame flickered they rose and gathered up the hot ashes that remained.

They filled the urn with them.

Hours later they placed the urn on the table and stole the urn holding Charles’ true ashes. He said his life was nothing without his work and, therefore, his death irrelevant. He wanted his art to be mourned, not himself. So he asked them to swap the ashes—to hide his body away—and mourn his true self.

They scattered his body to the wind…and remained silent as the parlor filled with loved ones. A large portrait of Charles rested proudly on an easel next to the urn. He’d requested that there be no viewing of his body, just a humble memorial service for his charred masterpiece.

Phoenix

A bird on fire streaks through desolate clouds that hang like sagging tits from a black-purple sky. Roll the joint between your fingers, man. Feel it? That’s some good shit now. Push the shaggy edges of limp brown hair behind my ears and take a hit. Puff, puff, pass.

Shelly crawls over to sit in my lap. Her tiny breasts—just nipples at best—push violently against my chest as she works her mouth over mine. She takes a tablet and puts it on her tongue then kisses me, the tablet slipping from her tongue to mine then back to hers again. I feel her grinding hotly against me. Color bursts behind my eyelids.

The flaming bird screams now—shrieks into the midnight moon.

Shelly crawls over me to sit in Jim’s lap. She kisses him, slips him some acid like she did me. Grinding—ride the waves of pleasure. It’s freedom, youth on a shoestring swinging in the breeze, flowing like steam from desert roads that snaps soundly against a crisp New Mexico sunset. Even as I sit amongst friends, even as I contemplate the kaleidoscope of fireworks spreading out like sex starved virgins before me, I sense the fragility of the moment. I sense the delicate skin of a bloated balloon seconds from popping—the final death throe of childhood as the adult emerges.

Shelly grabs Jen by her hands, pulls Jen to her feet. They dance—modern witches around a pagan bonfire. Water splashes in Jim’s glass and he hurls it at them. Wet breasts strain through wet tank tops. Angels at their peak—they’ll never be this beautiful and uninhibited again. Their hands roam over each other, Sirens calling, they kiss. Tongues entwine until they break apart to lure Jim and me. Serpentine arms beckon with the promise of a warm embrace.

I rise to greet the Sirens’ call. The bird explodes into a million ashes in the shadow sky.

When I sit in the clinic I only remember glassy eyes and wet tongues sliding over taut skin. When the doctor wipes his tired eyes with gnarled fingers I hear Jen’s soft sighs, feel the tremble of her thighs. The doc clears his throat. He looks at the floor. I see Shelly’s big blue eyes staring provocatively from across the fire. I see Jim bend her body like a whip. The doctor is frustrated. Angry lines turn his brow into mangled tree roots.

I see the flaming bird incinerate. I wait for it to be born again. I wait for it to rise from the ashes. I watch Jen pull my face to hers. Fuck me hard. I wait amongst strangers or were they friends? I slide into the slick-salty-sweet honey pot of ecstasy and ride the waves. Surfer of lust—I watch and stroke deep. Watch and stroke. Watch and stroke. I wait for the bird to flame into life. I ride this youth like there’s no yesterday, no tomorrow, only this minute, this second, this breath.

Did you hear what I said, Son? You’re HIV Positive. 

By Virtue

Jasira means bold, courageous.

He watched the sunlight disappear in her raven hair and smiled at the memory. She’d told him that when he’d first met her. Her brother had slapped her, of course, for speaking. But Charles had enjoyed the defiance in her black-almond eyes moments before she bowed her head and trailed after her sibling.

It was impossible to get her alone. So he’d wait until school let out to water his garden—any excuse to watch her pretty face. She would even wave to him sometimes. Just barely lift her hand to flex her perfect fingers—on the sly—always so careful not to get caught.

He knew she was a Muslim girl, though she and her brother dressed as American teens. Charles ran a hand over his sweaty cheeks. The sun was a killer in the afternoon. The water sprayed loudly over the drowned rose bush. He watched Jasira step closer and closer to his house.

Her prim pink skirt went below her knees. Little white socks seemed ridiculous on the blossoming 17 year old. He smiled broadly as she approached the edge of his yard. “Where’s your jailer, Jasira?”

She paused, unsure of what to do. “M-my brother is with Father looking at colleges.” Charles nodded and switched off the garden hose. He walked up to her, just a mild mannered older man. “I’m sure he’ll get into a good school.” She nodded and began to skirt away from him—ever wary. Her petal pink lips curled slightly at the corners. She was a sheltered child. He grinned broadly, “It’s awfully hot today, would you like a drink of lemonade?” 

She was nearly to the other side of his lawn now. “Oh…no, thank you though. I must get home…” Charles felt frustration ball in his gut. So many months of waiting and watching for her flashed before his eyes. Before he knew what he was doing he grabbed her small wrist. He dragged her across the yard and into his house. He slammed her against the wall. She screamed and fought—clawed at his face. Tears welled in her beautiful eyes. He kissed her rose petal mouth and cheeks. He pushed her hair aside and kissed her neck.

She kneed him in the groin. He grunted and his lust became rage. He hit her across the corner of her eye and cheekbone. He yanked her skirt up to her waist. “Stop fighting! You probably give it to every boy. It’s my turn, damn it!” He wedged himself inside her tight body and bit hard on her breast. She pulled huge clumps of his hair out of his scalp. He roared in agony and punched her hard in the mouth. It knocked her out.

It was dark when Jasira awoke. The concrete sidewalk was cool and painfully hard beneath her. She sat up and tried to orient herself. Her book bag lay in disarray beside her. Her skirt was stained with her virgin blood. She touched trembling fingers to her swollen, cut lips and moaned. Pain stabbed at her as she gathered her books and shoved them in her book bag. Memory flooded her brain—right up until it all went black.

She walked on wobbly legs to her house. Dread curled a tight fist in her belly and she almost turned and ran for the police instead. What would her father do when he saw her? She was late coming home. Surely he was back with her brother by now? She took a steadying breath. Her parents loved her. It would be okay. She was their daughter. It would be okay. The words became a chant, a prayer in her head. Only her tears belied the truth.

The light to her house flickered yellow in the darkness. Her father’s car was not yet in the drive. She rushed the steps, eager for her Mother’s arms. She flung the door open, “Momma?!”

“Jasira, where have—“ her mother stopped dead, stumbled back against the kitchen doorway. Then she rushed the girl, dragged her into the bathroom. “Your father must not know. Do you hear me, daughter? He must never know.” Her mother stripped the clothes from her body and she cleansed her with a cool rag. “Your indiscretion must be borne in silent shame.” She tilted Jasira’s face upward, “Do you understand Jasira?” Jasira swallowed hard. “Yes, Momma.”

She was so weak, so terrified. Tears swelled once more. Her mother wiped them away. She held her daughter close and wept, too. “I fought him, Momma.” Her mother screamed a primal wounded mother's scream. Then she sucked air hotly into her burning chest. “I know, Daughter. It makes no difference. Papa cannot know.” Her mother redressed her in a nightgown and started to rub concealer over the cuts and bruises. “You will go straight to bed. I will tell him you are sick. Pray to Allah that he believes us.”

She hugged Jasira and opened the door to the bathroom. Jamal stood in the hallway. “Why was the front door left open?” His wife pulled Jasira behind her. She laughed nervously. “Oh, sorry, I wanted some air.” She strode further down the hall intending to lead her husband to the supper table. “How was the trip? You must be famished?” Jamal narrowed his eyes on her face. “What’s wrong?” She smiled sweetly at him, “Nothing, nothing. I have our meal waiting.”

Jamal grew very quiet. He was a shrewd man. He looked from his wife to the closing door of Jasira’s room. He pushed past his wife and opened Jasira’s door. His wife fell to her knees and began to pray. His bellow sent her face down on the floor. He dragged Jasira into the living room. He wiped the concealer from his daughter’s face. “Deceiver!” He threw the daughter next to the wife. He dragged his wife up by her throat. “What happened?”

She trembled, her heart breaking with each beat. “Jasira was raped.” He dropped her as if she’d burned him. He fell backward onto the couch. A warring of emotion flickered in his even features. His strong, tan jaw clenched. His mouth worked, but uttered no sound. Kamal sat quietly next to his father. His head fell into his hands, “She is…impure.” The words fell from his horrified lips. His mother closed her eyes. “Impure” rang in her head—a bell of doom. She looked at her beautiful daughter, so young, so bright…

Jasira paled and scrambled to her feet. She ran to the bathroom. Wild thoughts chasing their tails inside her brain, I should have gone to the police. This can’t be real. I should have gone to the police!

Jamal stood quietly. He walked calmly to the kitchen. When he returned he handed Kamal a sharp knife. “She has dishonored our family. Restore us.” Kamal stood with shaking knees. His young face grim, “Yes, Father.”

Jamal’s wife stood. She threw herself at her husband. Her fists embedded in his shirt. “No! No! Please! Jamal, she is our daughter, no!” He wrapped his arms around her. He held her tightly so she could not break away. His chest ached, tears fell from his lashes. “She was dead when her purity was stolen.”

Devotion

 Daddy bounced me on his knee a little and dragged the brush through my hair. I waited patiently for him to work out the tangles. “It has to be perfect, Cassie.” He worked until he was satisfied. He had me stand in front of him. A flower barrette pulled one side away from my face. My soft lacey dress looked bright blue against my tan skin. Daddy nodded with pride.

He took my hands in his. “Please understand, Pumpkin, that you’ve done nothing wrong. I only seek to protect you. There are dangers in this world…you’re so innocent...” His gaze drifted off along with his words. “I tried to explain this to your mother, but she didn’t understand. That’s why it has to be today. It has to be while she’s visiting Nan.”

Daddy kissed my cheek and squeezed my chubby hands. I knew that Daddy loved me. So I followed him. He walked me to the bed and I marveled at the pretty cushions. Soft and white with lacy trim, they were cool to the touch. I ran my hand over them. My bed at home was warm with cotton sheets that had Strawberry Shortcake pictures. Then I remembered my bear. “I forgot Yay Yay, Daddy!”

He kneeled down to me when he saw my lip tremble. His hands were warm and strong on my shoulders. “Be a big girl, Cassie. You won’t miss your teddy for long. Soon you’ll out grow him. You’ll see. Now don’t cry and lay down for Daddy.”

I lay down like a big girl. “I won’t cry Daddy.” I whispered as he tucked me in. He kissed my forehead, “That’s a good girl.”

I didn’t cry as he worked. I waited patiently, sure that he’d be done soon and we’d be going home. I missed Mommy. I wanted her to see me in my pretty new dress. But I started to panic when I couldn’t hear the dirt falling anymore. It was getting harder to breathe. I tried to stay really still, to listen for Daddy.

I could hear him walking away.

“Daddy?” I whispered.

Nothing.

I pounded on the box and shouted, “Daddy?!”

Nothing.

I didn’t like this game anymore.

I started to cry. “Daddy?”

I don’t like the dark. I wish I had Yay Yay. 

Tears splashed over my lashes.

“Daddy?”

That's A What I like!

5 Ways to Turn Your Man On

The website flashed with pretty pale pink letters and I paused for a second. The girl with perfect abs grinned knowingly from my monitor. Things had been a bit stale with Joe for awhile now…for the last 13 years to be exact. Oh sure, we still had sex…if you can call hitting the hot spots in the same order at precisely 9:00 pm every Friday…sex.

I looked at the 20-something blond and could just tell that she had epic sex. I read the list again. “A man appreciates a woman who looks her best.” Hmmm. I looked at my fuzzy purple bunny slippers. How long had it been since I’d worn make-up? I couldn’t remember. I walked over to my vanity and blew a layer of dust in the air. Okay, it’s definitely been too long since I dolled myself up.

It was easy to say I was busy with the kids and mundane household duties, but I had to confess that I’d just been lazy.

I went through the whole mess. The shaving, plucking, tweezing, face painting, perfuming, and curlers then I looked in the mirror at my “Mom Uniform.” The butt of my gray sweat pants sagged halfway to my knees. My t-shirt drooped making one boob look uneven with the other. I shook my curler laden head in disgust and rummaged through my closet for something a bit spicier—or at least feminine.

I came back with a low cut tank top and some jeans. I squeezed the jeans on and shrieked at the role of blubber hanging over the waist. I unbuttoned the jeans and relaxed a little when the roll seemed less obvious. Then I donned the tank top and a push-up bra like those pop stars wear. By the time I decided on which pair of heels to wear—I was feeling pretty confident. The tank was long enough to hide the unbuttoned-roll mess and my war paint looked pretty good.

My confidence faltered as I unrolled my hair—to my horror—it stood on end like a puffed poodle! I quickly plugged in my curling iron to do some serious damage control. Moments later I was viciously dragging the iron through my brown helmet, taming the maniac mane. Then I herd the kids come in. I jerked my head to the side like a child caught steeling candy. The iron burnt a huge red welt on my forehead and I dropped the demonic thing in pain. But I was determined to light my Joe up, so I bravely patched the burn with gauze and looked at the website again.

“This is the age of technology. Nothing gets a man hotter than a naughty text message.”

Hmm. I eyed my cell phone with suspicion. What could I say that would get his blood going? I looked at the bed. I thought about what I knew he liked. I thought about what I could possibly say. And then I thought; this is stupid. Knowing Joe he’d be happier with a plate of chicken wings. Chicken wings! That’s the ticket. Combine food and sex? There’s no way that could go wrong! I quickly texted him, “Hey Babe, I can’t wait for you to get home and stuff my creampie with your Bismarck!”

He responded seconds later. My excitement died as I read his text. “What? You want me to bring donuts home? I thought you liked those jelly ones?” I hung my head in frustration. I texted him again, “No Sweetie, I want you to stuff my creampie with your Bismarck.” He texted back, “Huh? Maybe the donut shop will know what you’re talking about. I’ll ask them.” I groaned and told him, “Never mind Joe. Jelly donuts are fine.”

Nothing seemed to be working out like I’d hoped, but I had faith in the article. I mean busty blonds don’t look that happy for nothing, right? Next on the list:

“Make eye contact. A man loves to know he’s the only one you’re looking at.”

I waited for Joe to get home and when he walked in the door I winked at him. He looked me up and down, and then frowned. I said, “I missed you Sweetie” and leaned up to smooch him. I winked at him again. He set a box of jelly donuts on the counter and felt my brow. “What?” I asked. He shrugged, “Just checking. What happened to your forehead? And is something wrong with your eye?” I blushed, “Nothing’s wrong! I just winked at ya.” I touched my wound, “Battle with the curling iron.” He nodded and pointed at the donuts. “The donut shop had no idea what creampie you were talking about, but the kid behind the counter snickered at me. Little snot.”

I grabbed the box and put it in the refrigerator to hide a snicker of my own. I cleared my throat, “Well you know how kids are these days. No respect.” I turned back to look at him and he seemed to consider me more closely. “You’re acting strange today. What’s with this get up?” I smiled seductively (I hoped) and told him, “I wanted to dress a little sexier for you. Don’t you like it?” Joe frowned, “It’s different.” He started toward me and I got excited thinking he might kiss me. But he scooted me out of his way to grab a beer instead. I hid my disappointment.

Later that night, after the kids had gone to bed, I remembered the website. I went upstairs and clicked out of the page, cursing the lying blond as I did so. I took off the tank top and push-up bra. Tossed my heels back in the closet, I shimmied outta my jeans and scrubbed my face clean. I put my hair in a pony tail and pulled on an old faded pair of boy shorts and a soft cotton sleeper top with thin straps. I bounded down the stairs and curled up next to Joe with less enthusiasm than I felt.

He wrapped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. I felt his hand brush my ponytail away from my neck and I smiled at him. He grinned back at me and for a second I thought I spied a spark of something. “You haven’t put your hair up in a ponytail in ages. Remember when Joe Jr. was in baseball and you’d wear your hair in a ponytail and a ball cap for his baseball games? I always loved that. You looked so cute at those games.”

I laughed and slugged him playfully. “You never told me that before!” I shook my head and chuckled again. “You want another beer, you old softy?” Joe grinned at me and said, “Sure.” I was halfway to the kitchen when his voice stopped me. “You sure can rock a pair of shorts for an old broad, you know that?” I turned around in shock, hands on hips. “You gotta be kidding me! I spent hours trying to get dolled up for you to turn you on and all you really wanted was a ponytail and a pair of boy shorts? Seriously?!”

Joe sat up and grinned, his sexy smile making my heart skip a beat. “And a wiggle in your walk…” He walked up to me and he had my undivided attention. “And a giggle in your talk…” He kissed me hotly, nipping at my lips—then smacked my ass. I squealed, my eyes bright with excitement, big goofy grin that made the years melt away. “What I really want is to watch those sweet cheeks racing up the stairs.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice.

Choices

“Lexie…oh God…Lexie…”

My hands froze on the cantaloupe. I dropped it on the counter. His voice sent a chill through my heart. I knew his voice so well, had heard it a million times, in a million ways. I’d heard it hostile from across the room, silly-sweet in the morning, moaning hotly in my ear.

But I hadn’t heard it in two months. Not since…well I didn’t want to think about that.

I hit replay and waited for the machine to start.

It was the hollow tone that scared me most.

I grabbed my coat and left the groceries on the counter. Charlie, my faithful Calico, swirled around my legs in protest. I hadn’t fed her yet and wouldn’t until I returned. All I could think of—all I could see was his hazel eyes staring vacantly from some unfathomable abyss.

I’d heard he’d come back to town, but I didn’t know where exactly. I drove the car like a maniac. It hugged the corner so tightly that it nearly ran over the curb. Tires screeched as I raced—well above the speed limit—toward his old apartment. Memories flooded my mind. They filled my head with a collection of images—images that depicted a life created, then destroyed.

They were meaningless to me now. I pushed them away.

His car wasn’t there. The windows were dark.

I threw the car in reverse, then overdrive, and jammed down the gas pedal.

There was a park nearby. We’d walk there on Sundays and watch the children play. He’d brush my hair from my cheek and say, “We’ll have a daughter just like her one day.” Tears streamed down my cheek and my tight grip on the steering wheel threatened to crack my knuckles wide open.

The swings swung eerily in the empty park. A bum pushed a dirty cart full of cans on the opposite side. No sign of Luke anywhere. A strangled cry escaped me and my hands shook as they raked through my auburn hair. “Come on…think, Lexie, think!” I muttered under my breath, anxiety becoming a tangible beast sitting in the passenger seat. Where would he go? What would he do?

The possibilities terrified me.

His mother said they’d released him days ago. She said the meds helped. She said she had hope that this time would be different—that this time they’d licked the demon that stalked him.

My heart knew different.

I’d seen the haunted look in his eyes. I’d seen him weak and clawing, begging for release. I’d thrown pills in the toilet and flushed them. I’d thrown knives out the window and wrapped his wrists in bandages. I’d sobbed and bled with the man. I’d begged him to love me more than death—to just once choose life.

And just then I knew. I knew exactly where he was.

I drove much slower now. The sense of dread was tearing at my clothes, my breasts, my face, clawing, biting at my psyche. I drove cautiously along the train tracks. There was a cargo train that ran late. I looked at the glowing numbers on my dashboard. 8:53pm. I had moments before it would arrive—IF that.

I pulled along the gravel road. Old row houses flanked the makeshift street. You could almost see the ghosts of children from the 1930s playing stickball. I could feel their laughter and a shiver rolled over my skin. My heels crunched loudly on the rocks. I pulled my coat closer to my form, unable to find warmth.

He stood on the tracks. I walked up to him and he smiled at me. The mouth I loved so well, had kissed for hours, dreamt of day and night—smiled at me. His eyes shone brightly and seemed more alive than I’d ever seen him. His voice was surprised as he addressed me. “You found me!”

I could see that he was amped up. I kicked at the stones and watched them roll away. “You knew I would.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I did. You always knew me better than anyone.” I snorted in disgust…or maybe despair. “Fat lotta good that’s done me.”

Luke frowned then. “I’m sorry Lexie. Sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be. It’ll be better this way. You’ll see. You’ll find someone who loves you.”

I screamed at him and lunged. I grabbed his beautiful face and forced him to look at me. “No, it won’t be better!” I shouted at him, choking on my tears, “That’s what you don’t get, Luke! I love you, only you, always you. How can you not see that? How can you do this?!” I felt weak and trapped in a wordless hell. He caught me, held me up.

He pulled me to him and brushed his lips over my hair. “Ssh. I know it’s been hard, Baby. I know it. Don’t you see? I’m doing this for us, for you. I’m releasing you.” I opened my mouth to protest. He silenced me with a kiss. Even as his lips parted mine, even as his tongue traced mine—I knew this was our last kiss. Fresh tears burned my eyes and fell, mingled with our tongues.

The train’s whistle blew.

I jumped in his arms—breaking the kiss. “Please, Luke, please come back with me. Let’s get off this track.” I pulled at him. I yanked on his arms, but he shook me off easily. “Please, Baby, come with me!” I screamed and pushed at his waist. I tried to knock him over. The train blew again. I could feel the bright light closing in on us.

“Fine Luke. I might as well die with you. Once you’re gone—I’ll be dead inside anyway.” I parked myself in front of him. I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance. He chuckled and pulled me into his arms. It felt like heaven, but I still braced for the impact.

We watched the train come closer…closer…closer.

My breathing quickened; my pulse pounded.

He whispered in my ear seconds before the train struck. “I love you, Baby.” And he threw me off the track.

“LUKE!” I screamed until my voice stopped—died of its own accord.

All I could see among the wreck and ruin was his radiant smile as Death welcomed him home. I collapsed in the gravel, pain shooting up my arms from the fall. A new fear gripped me. My hands flew to my stomach. It felt okay. I should’ve told him about the baby. Why didn’t I tell him about the baby?

Saturday Night

She drug her lips softy over his knuckles. “Stay. Please? For just a little longer?” He withdrew his hand and flexed his fingers. She winced when his knuckles popped. He patted her ass. “I can’t, Babe. You know that.”

Annie rolled over—the sheet slipping over her taut stomach. “I know.”

He stood up and she watched the graceful curve of his spine. She openly admired the tensing of his hip muscles as he moved. He spent two hours a day at the gym to ensure that everyone would notice his body. He paused by the mirror and sorted out his hair with sure quick fingers. He was the sexiest man she’d ever seen.

And he knew it.

He smiled at her through the mirror. “Going out tonight?” She laughed and pulled the sheet up over her breasts. “The night’s half over—what would be the point?” He grinned that possessive, yet, sweet smile of his. She knew that he worried about her running off with someone else. She always did her best to reassure him.

He was nearly dressed now. There was only one piece of his uniform left to don. He sat next to Annie on the bed. She smiled just for him. He leaned over and kissed her soft and sweet. His lips brushed hers, enticing her skin. His tongue slipped inside to taste the honey there. She moaned and moved to pull him in closer—to drag him back to bed.

He pulled away. “I can’t stay, Babe. I told you that. You know the rules.” The clock on the nightstand flashed 12:23am. A gold ring sat innocently on the clock. He picked it up and placed the band on his ring finger. Annie threw off the covers and walked, naked, to the bathroom. “Maybe I will go out. No sense in wasting a Saturday night.” She closed the bathroom door in his shocked face.

When she heard him leave she washed her face and pulled out her foundation. Let his wife comfort him. Annie was done.

Lip Service

“Hate is a commodity! Hitler used it to kill. American politicians use it to drive fear into the hearts of working class America and create divisive attitudes and steal votes. Hate brings fear, eases manipulation, and preys on the weak. Hate lines pockets and kills freedom.”

Sweat dripped down his back, but he ignored it. His voice rang out strong and clear—the vessel of conviction. “My opponent is the servant of hate! He leads you in prayer and convinces your hearts to turn as black as night! His organization, ‘The Minutemen’ marches on small churches and lays siege to the very democracy we love! He tells you to hate homosexuals. He claims it’s in scripture. He asserts that he knows the will of God!”

He paused for effect. Tears streamed down his fat cheeks. His voice resumed, vibrating with the flair of a Sunday preacher. “Imagine that?! Imagine the arrogance of assuming to know the thoughts and will of God Almighty!” He was shrieking with passion now.

The crowd stood rapt. They were primed and ready for his sales pitch.

“Now I know that I am a politician. But I’m not like these other scoundrels. I won’t lie and mislead you with chants like ‘Hope’ and ‘Change.’ I won’t ply you with empty rhetoric about the way things were. I won’t say America has gone astray. I won’t defeat you with fear. I won’t insult your intelligence.”

He mopped up the sweat with a damp handkerchief. “You already know that we’re in a battle for our future. You already know that our deficit is out of control. I don’t need to tell you what you already know. All I need to tell you is that true change—REAL CHANGE—is possible. Open your hearts. Open your minds. And fight for a smaller government!”

He pulled the microphone closer and tone softening. “My opponent will tell you that God will smite those who fornicate with the same sex. He will tell you that sex ed in schools leads to teen pregnancy. He will say that he holds all the answers and a direct line to God. I will say that I have no business in your bedrooms. I will tell you that empowering our children with knowledge is the best way to fight teen pregnancy!”

The soap box wobbled under his weight, but he plunged forward. “The problem with liberals is that they tell you what you want to hear and then get in bed with the right wingers as soon as you elect them! The problem with the far right wingers is that they pick the wrong damn fight and do NOTHING when they hold the majority! It’s lip service people! They think you’re stupid. But I know you’re not. I know you are disgruntled with the world we live in. I know that you want your country back!”

“Does it matter who marries who? Does it matter if sex ed is taught? No. Of course not. What matters is our national debt, our gas prices, our economy! Where have the financial conservatives gone?! I ask you! I was sitting on my couch listening to this crap and realized—these jokers in DC don’t care about us. They have no intention of doing what’s right! All they want is your vote and your donation and for you to go back to sleep! Well, I say WAKE UP! Wake up and take your country back! Vote for Charles Hinkly!”

The crowd erupted in a roar. Flags were waving. Families were crying. Finally someone had said the things that they’d been dying to hear. Words rushed into the empty vacuum of their discontent. Charles smiled and shook hands as he walked to his limo. His driver opened his door and he climbed in. Just as the door was about to close two men approached him.

“Mr. Hinkly! We just LOVED your speech Sir. We wanted you to know that you have our vote.” The younger man put his arm around the shoulders of the older man. “It’s so hard to be gay in Ohio. So many Christian conservatives judge us. We’re planning a wedding soon. But we wanted to tell you how hard we’re going to fight for your campaign. I really think you can make a difference in this state, Sir.” They beamed and Charles extracted himself from the car. He clasped their hands in his.

“That’s wonderful gentlemen! You make a glorious couple. I’m honored to have you fight on my side. Truly!” They gushed and walked away like star-struck fans. He sat back down in the car and smiled with knowing satisfaction. People like that were gonna win him the Governor’s seat. He’d play both sides against the middle and be the first Libertarian in the White House. The Teabaggers and faggots would line the way—they just didn’t know it yet. But he did. He lit a big fat cigar. Yeah, he knew.

Again

"You know me." My tongue darts out to nervously lick the desperation from my lips. "Sure, I'm a mess. Who isn't?" I remain rooted to the floor watching his face close a steel door to me. He says nothing. Again. Still.


How many times have we been here? Him shutting me out, me clawing and scratching my way in...and for what? The constant pain and disappointment? I told a friend once that he needed to sort out why he felt he didn't deserve happiness...hello pot.


What is it about me that repulses men? They get drawn in by my smile, my words, but once they know me...poof. Am I too intense? Too demanding? Do I ask so much? Is it impossible to love me?


Why do I fight to keep them? Why?


I slink down the wall and crumple on the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest. He stands, resolute, across the room. He might as well be on the moon. The chill wounds me. I feel the fight within me die. I resign myself to this zombie-like existence. Maybe all I'm good for is a fuck. They don't want understand me, show no interest in my mind, won't even read the shit I write. They cherry pick the bits they like and amplify them in their minds. But when reality smashes the fantasy...well...I end up here again.


"Fine. Go." He lets out a breath like a deflating balloon. I don't look up when the door closes.

"Jenna"

The phone feels foriegn in my hands. It's shiny sliver surface and black buttons wink with slimy perfection. I hear his breathing on the other end of the line. I look at my brightly colored toenails. Cherry red. I painted them an hour ago. His gasps come faster, more hotly now.


I swallow hard.


My voice is silky smooth and wraps around him softly.


I caress his face with velvet words. I moan and sigh. I arch my back and wish I could hang up this vile telephone. I wish I had a lover. A flesh and blood man to wrap me up in strong arms and kiss the sweet curve of my neck.


"I need to kiss and lick and taste you. Would you like that? Would you like it if I swirled my tongue over the tip of your cock and swallowed you whole? Mmmm...I can taste your cum now...." I moan and pretend to rub flesh that he has no idea is bone dry and nowhere near my fingers. "Ahhhh....ohhh God...honey...please...give it to me!" I moan louder, more excitedly, giving Meg Ryan a run for her money.


I hear him gasp and gurgle. Grunting harder, faster. His climax is loud and somehow sterile.


The line goes dead.


Beep. Beep. Beep.


The call ended.


Beep. Beep.


The system tells me that I'm ready for the next caller.


I clear my throat and lay back on the pillows. I glance at the clock. That call was 12 minutes long. Need to keep them a bit longer to make my bonus. My eyes drift to a photo of my boys. What the hell am I doing? I close my eyes against the shame...the growing emptiness in my chest.


Beep.


"Hi!" My voice sounds fabricated, as if I'd stolen artificial cheeriness from a perpetual--ageless--bimbo. "This is 'Jenna.' Who's this?"

The Big Bad Wolf Likes Flowers

No. Really he does. I caught him just yesterday stealing Sleeping Beauty’s roses right off her bush. No worries though—she slept through the whole incident and if she noticed that anything was a muss when she awoke, well, she never said.

Last week I saw him creep into Little Miss Muffet’s house. Did you know she grows rare and unusual poppies in a greenhouse? (You wouldn’t believe the things Mother Goose left out of her tell-all book. Of course, that’s another tale.)

So anyway, yup, there he was all furry and bad-assed popping poppies as if they were candy. He crammed his slobbery jaws full of the contraband and stole into the shadows. As if the village wouldn’t notice. I mean, really. Everyone knows that Old Mother Hubbard watches the goings on around here—anything to avoid her heathen children. He had to know that she’d see his transgression and alert the community.

So I decided to follow Big Bad and see what trouble he’d get into today. I stalked him easily as I am very small, no bigger than a thumb you might say. Anyway, I followed him into the forest. His nose tilted to the sky and I could tell that he was tracking something. He turned away from the well-worn path and veered into the wild brush. Trees slapped against him, but he stayed his course. I could only wonder at what scent had so enticed him. Curiosity propelled me over gnarly tree roots and suspicious mounds of earth. The going was difficult, but someone had to stop this serial florist.

Eventually we came to an old little house surrounded by an ominous barricade. A sign out front read; “Ye have stumbled upon the dwarf dwelling. Trespassers be shot!” This must be Snow White’s house. I watched as the wolf climbed over the old stone wall that circled the compound. I waited until his last paw had fallen out of view and then proceeded to scale the thing myself. Luckily I was small enough to slip through one of the many cracks webbing their way across its surface.

I admit to being a bit apprehensive about searching the place. It’d been years since anyone had seen Snow. And there was that whole scandal over her divorcing the prince and moving back in with the dwarfs. She said she missed her “uncles” but no one believed her. They’d walled themselves into this forested hovel and we’d quietly gossiped from the village edge. So tramping through Snow’s hidden garden was a tad unnerving. I kept my eyes wide and followed Bid Bad’s furry tail.

He peered into a window, sniffing it’s ledge, and licking the glass. What on earth was he about? I watched—perplexed—as he repeated this behavior with each window. We came to the back of the house and he paused by the back door. Something inside the house had caught his eye and I blushed as he became…er…um…excited. His back leg began to thump and he made a soft howling sound deep in his throat. What hell was he about? I crept up the side of the house and pressed my face against the dirty window. Whatever Snow did out here in the woods didn’t involve cleaning. I had to wipe a small section clean to be able to see.

What I saw will haunt me till the day I die. “Uncles” my ass! The seven dwarfs had Snow in a most compromising position and she seemed rather happy about it. I turned bright red, I’m sure, before quickly turning away. I suppose that are advantages to seven men…even if they are wee.

Thankfully the wolf found the scent he was after and moved on to a secret trail leading from the back of the house. We trekked down some old stone steps and into a strange shed-like-thing. It turned out to be a spring house. Lily pads floated along the water’s surface, their delicate flowers emitting the sweetest aroma. Big Bad inhaled deeply then set about collecting them.

He worked quickly, filling his satchel and pockets. Soon there was only one lily pad left. A small croak stopped Big Bad’s steady hands. “Please don’t take my home, Sir!” It was the frog-prince. He was still awaiting his kiss it seemed.

The wolf looked at him a moment. “You can live elsewhere, it’s a big forest.”

“But I can’t. This is where my sweet princess will find me and break the spell with a kiss.”

The wolf pondered this a moment. “So move into the cattails. She’ll find you there.”

The frog-prince frowned. “But good sir, this is my home. Besides, you have plenty of flowers. Your pockets are overflowing!”

The wolf yielded a wicked chuckle (they don’t call him Big Bad for nothing). “You know FP, it’s been years since I had me some frog legs. Do they still taste like chicken, I wonder?”

The frog-prince gulped and took a backward hop. But it was too late. Big Bad snatched the amphibian up and ruthlessly ripped his legs off before swallowing the screaming creature. The wolf smiled with true satisfaction. “Treasures and a snack…what a wonderful day this is!” He turned and looked at me. “Wouldn’t you agree Thumbelina?”

I was too scared to move. My voice stuck in my throat. I willed my feet to work, to take me far away from this murderer. He tenderly scooped up the lily and set it inside his satchel. “Would you like a lift back to the village young lady?” I vigorously shook my head no. He laughed and I cringed. “I’m a wolf, you know, I’ve an excellent sense of smell. Care to tell me why you’ve been following me all day?” Again I shook my head no.

He leaned over me and I think I might have pissed my pants. “Can’t speak little one? Not even a morsel. I’ll tell you what. Keep your trap shut and I won’t eat you. Do we have a deal?” This time I shook my head yes. He left me there in my little puddle of fear.

It was several hours later that I made my way back into the village. I went straight to Humpty’s house, as he was our unofficial mayor, and made my confession. He immediately split down the center, his yolky face boiling with rage. “There’s been a murder in Fairyville?! Obscene! Call the neighborhood watch!” He bellowed at the king’s horsemen. “Inform Old King Cole! Justice must prevail.”

The villagers crowded together, murmuring amongst themselves. “Poor frog!” they whispered. “That wolf has always been trouble.” “First he’s a serial florist and now this!” The gossip swelled and I knew it wouldn’t be long before an angry mob formed. To his credit, Humpty tried to calm the rabble. But it was useless.

The crowd roared and took up their scythes and pitches and torches. They filed down the streets of Fairyville with bloodlust burning in their eyes. They surrounded Big Bad’s house and shouted at him to come out. The wolf ignored them until the baker threw a stone in his window. The door of his home slammed open and Big Bad sneered at the townsmen. “You’re too late; my creation is complete!”

That was a seemingly odd thing to say and they puzzled over it. I hung back away from them, knowing that I didn’t want caught up in whatever Big Bad had planned. I inspected the goggles on his head and the mad scientist white coat and knew he’d done something awful. His laughter crackled through the night air. “Meet my sweet!”


...Too Be Continued... I'm thinking I may turn this into a whacked out novel or long short story...

The Fairy Princess

Frilly lace, pink and delicate, bulges from thick shoulders--over huge breasts. Lipstick smeared from corner to corner, mascara in dripping globs--she's a carnival of color. Tie the ribbon in her hair. It doesn't match--but what does? What matched fat and self loathing? 


All dressed up and no where to go.


Stiletto heels and stockings that won't stay up--she's just a clown--a walking parody.


Tears streak a black river over bulbous cheeks. Soft blond curls twist and fall. They called her Miss Piggy in school. "You'd be so pretty if you just lost a little weight." Her mother would fuss and cram her into yet another girdle--leaving her with a cinched waist and arms that looked as if she'd explode out of the thing.


She was 18. Too old to hide behind her mother's skirts, too young to give up, too old to pretend. She placed the crown upon her head. A fairy princess in pink lace. In her heart she saw the beauty she could be. She saw herself dance on weightless feet--saw her prince bow and take her hand. "Spin me around the floor. Kiss me sweet." Her heart whispered in hushed tones--thump, thump under her skin. 


Riiiiiiiiip. The sound of tearing fabric pulled her back to reality. She wiped away the tears and the makeup. Blue eye shadow marred the lacy hem of her dress. She grabbed her car keys and purse. She slammed the door of her car--winded from the slight exertion. White knuckled grip on the steering wheel--the long road wound it's way to the closest Burger King. The car flew as though it were determined to escape misery.


The voice in the speaker was distorted. She sobbed as she ordered 4 burgers, a large fry, and a chocolate milkshake. Money was another demon--but she forked it out readily to gorge the garbage in her mouth. Eating was pleasure, was comfort, was hate, was suicide, was death. Nothing mattered anymore. Addiction trumped all.


Shaking hands gripped the triple Whopper with cheese and shoved it in her face. She tasted tears, tasted salt, tasted rage, tasted helplessness, tasted nothing. She pulled out on the road--driving one handed. Took a turn too fast and her milkshake crashed to the passenger floor board. She swerved to lean down and rescue it. Her head full of chaos. Her tongue salivating for chocolate.


She never saw the deer.


She never heard the crash.


She never anticipated it's antlers crashing through the windshield. 

She never dreamt she'd veer off the road--crash into the rocks below.


She never envisioned the pain, the shock of true instant death.


She'd only wanted something salty sweet to kill the truth of her. If only she'd known what the truth of her was....

Ralph's A Respectable Name

"You can't name him that! Please reconsider!"


Doctor Hancock looked at my mother with shock. But my mother stood firm. "His daddy knocked me up and run off. I can name him any damn thing I choose. Now write it down." Dr. Hancock, God bless him, tried once more..."But Ms. River a boy needs a name he can live up to, not one he has to live down." He frowned and looked at Nurse Gina. Neither of them could overcome my mother's indomitable spirit. She would not budge. 


So they wrote my name down.


I didn't think too much about it as a youngster. Folks would call to me with a sly grin on their faces, but I was a simple boy and chalked it up to them just bein' happy to see me. I was a sweet child. Everyone said so. I never cried much or carried on like a fool. But I didn't stand out among my peers neither. 


When I started school--well, then my name got to botherin' me. The fellas would chuck rocks at me and tell me to go play in the deep end of the pool. The girls wouldn't chase me round the playground like they chased the other boys. I don't figure it was my looks so much, cuz every once in awhile a pretty little girl would look at me then glance away real quick, like I wouldn't notice. So I reckon it was my name to blame. 


By the time I was 15 I finally had me one good friend. Jimmy Watts. He lived down on Yellow Street, on the wrong side of the tracks. His daddy had a taste for Bourbon and an eye for skirts. More than once Jimmy turned up at school with a black eye. But he was a cool cat in my book. 


We sat at the bleachers watching the guys play football. Jimmy passed me a cig and I took a long drag. The smoke filled my lungs and I coughed. My eyes teared up and one of the cheerleaders laughed at me. Jimmy nudged my ribs with his elbow. "We gotta change your name, man. Ain't no girl gonna kiss you with a name like that."


I laughed at ol Jimmy. "Ain't no girl gonna kiss me ever. Don't matter what my name is." Jimmy scoffed and took his cigarette back. "A good lookin' fella like you? Pshaw! Sure they will. We just gotta change your name." 


I looked down at my shoes. I wasn't really shy--just invisible. "You really think a girl'd kiss me?" 


Jimmy leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, "I'll tell ya what, Man, we change your name and I bet Bethany will let you put your your hand up her sweater." I musta turned bright red when Jimmy said that. He knew I liked Bethany best of all, but bein' Jimmy, he had to bust my chops. "What's a matter, Man? Don'thca like girls?"


I slugged him in the side. "Shit yeah, I like girls!" Jimmy laughed. "Well, alright then. We gotta get you a new name." Jimmy looked out at the field, "What about Carl?" I followed his eyes. "Naw Jimmy, there's already a Carl Weaver."  Jimmy leaned back, "Humph. Well how about Ralph, like the Honeymooners? Ralph's a respectable name!" 


"Ralph." I tested it out on my tongue. I liked it.


I went home and told my mother I changed my name. She belted me across my mouth. "Ain't nothin' wrong with your name, Boy! Your daddy's dirt, so it fits you just fine." I decided to go by Ralph at school and let my mother call me whatever she wanted. 


So I went by Ralph for the next several years. I even enrolled in college as Ralph. Jimmy'd been right. The girls warmed up to me a lot after I changed my name. It took two years, but it was worth it. I grew up tall and strongly built. I was still average academically, but I found that I had far more confidence with my new name.


Then I saw her.  She was walking across the quad with three other girls around her. I never could figure out why these girls traveled in packs, but it didn't matter. The sun kissed her hair, turned it into a golden halo. I watched her laugh as if in slow motion. I stared so intensely that I snapped my pencil. 


I found out her name was Angela. 


I stayed back for awhile--just to get the feel of her. I learned that she loved music and was a dancer. I learned that her boyfriend had moved to another state to study engineering. I learned that her smile lit up the room. 


Finally, I got up the courage to meet her. I skipped trig class so I could catch her at the library. I watched her walk in and go straight for the art history section. She walked along the aisle, barely tall enough to reach the books. I walked up to her, "You need me to reach something for you?" She smiled and I felt my heart skip a beat. "Thanks. That'd be great!" 


I helped her get all the books she needed and offered to help her carry them to her dorm. We talked for hours. We stopped at the campus ice cream shop and I bought her a milkshake. She smiled at me and asked the question I'd been dreading. "We've spent nearly all day together and I never thought to ask your name! What's your name, silly?" 


I took a deep breath. I looked down at my milkshake. My brain said, "Tell her it's Ralph!" But my heart just could not look into those cornflower blue eyes and lie. I braced myself for her reaction. I looked at her point blank and blurted out, "My name is Mud. Mud River." 

:P

"I Want To Die"

"You have a beautiful mind. Look at the things you create. It's a gift."

Blue crashes over red and makes purple. The scent of oil blends with turpentine. Crack a window. Let the fumes escape. Odorless turpentine is not odorless. Control the brush with an iron fist, white knuckled demands, smear and streak. Fill the picture plane with color. Fill it with life. Breathe air into it. Let it grow and become a beast.

"Are you listening to me? Did you hear what I said?" He crossed the studio and grabbed my shoulders, spun me round to face him. The brush came along for the ride and drew a trail of purple across his shirt. He didn't notice. Or didn't care. It was impossible to tell. "Look at your work! THAT'S who you are. That's how you're defined. Not by love, love is a passing thing. Fleeting in the big picture."

He picked up my ratty old notebook full of ramblings, full of pain, full of dreams. "This is your legacy. This is what matters. This is Cynthia." His chest heaved with excitement. Adrenaline pushed the blood through his veins. I watched it with numb fascination. It was hypnotic. Beat. Beat. Pause. Beat. Beat. Pause.

I said nothing.

I put the brush down.

There was a sad beginning of a shape on the canvass. An eye peeking trough a kaleidoscope of color. "You are better than the men you've been chasing. Don't you know that? You cast your pearls before swine, Chica. But that isn't who you are. Can't you see that?"

I wiped the paint from my fingers. I smeared it all over my jeans and went over to the window. The sun was shining. Peeking trough the clouds to wink at me. Flirty bastard.

I remember the sound of his voice. I remember the feel of it's sweet vibration in my ear. What had he said? Which time? So many things. So much to just slip away. He called me Sweetie. Another called me Kitten. So many called me mental. So many things. I remembered the others. The feel of warm hands, big and strong, kneading my shoulders. I remember kisses and wanting them so badly only to find them hollow.

Vern turned me around again. He wrapped me up in warm arms. I could smell his aftershave, smell his cologne. I could hear his heartbeat. I could feel him--real and solid. I could see the frustration in his line, in his muscles, in his face. Why couldn't I love him?

He led me to the canvas. He put the paintbrush in my hand. The canvass loomed bold and bright before us. I saw the love in his eyes, saw the worry. I knew what he wanted from me. I knew what I wanted. But the two were impossible. They'd never meet in this century. He wanted me; I longed for another.

He kissed my forehead and gestured to the painting. "Finish it. Remember who you are. And for God's sake...don't ever say you want to die again."

I watched the door close behind him.

Streak the purple. Crash it into yellow. Switch to red. Lips should always be red. Candy apple, delectable, nibblingly beautiful red...

It's a Prison

It's a prison. It's a horrible state where hunger begets hunger begets insanity begets self-destruction begets emptiness. And the emptiness becomes a void impossible to fill. Feelings consume and food becomes salvation. Eat away the tears. Eat away the loneliness. Eat away the pain. Eat away the self-doubt...the self-hate. Eat away the bitter truth. Eat away the past, the present, and the future.


Gorge until you're full. Gorge until your soul no longer bleeds.


Eat till you vomit.


It's hell. A place where faces spread and bulge and distort into something macabre. Your features get lost in the mess. Eyes too small to hold outsiders' attention, so they turn inward. Thick lips become traitors to the eyes as they wrap around each morsel. No one really sees you anymore. They see only the gelatinous ooze that you've become. Ankles with rolls that bunch and fall over bulbous feet. Shoes don't fit. So why wear them?


Skin hangs in long lumps of yellowish brown chicken gel. It bulges then droops. It twists. It shakes as you laugh. It shakes as you cry--like a bowl full of jelly. But you're no beloved old man in a red suit delivering toys to good little boys and girls. You're just you. Just invisible--yet gawked at--sad, not so little you. You're just fat.


You sit because standing hurts. You sit because walking steals your air. Life is a sweet grape to be plucked from the vine and savored--but you lost the truth of that somewhere along the way. You've become a monster in human form. A fucking joke--only no one's laughing. So you sit and you eat. You sit and you eat and you wait. You wait for death. You wait for the crane to knock down the wall. You wait for the news reporter to say what a beautiful soul was trapped in a freak-show form. You wait for your mother to sob, for your neighbors to say, "She was the kindest creature I've ever known."


It wasn't always this way. Once, many moons ago, you'd been a knobby kneed little thing with teeth too big for your smile. You ran and played and threw your arms wide and danced under swaying tree tops. You giggled and rolled down the hill. You raced the boys on your bike. You were sassy and fun and utterly brilliant. Once upon a time you shone like the sun.


A tear streams down your anonymous face. Vacant eyes stare vacantly into nothingness. You raise the turkey sandwich to numb lips. You can't taste anything. The colors have drained from your world and become a gray monotony that looms like storm clouds all around you. Love and lust and sex are fairy stories you read about in Harlequin. Chew, chew, swallow. Food isn't the enemy. You are. You've done this to yourself.


It's a prison. Yet they call it my body.


* I guess I had one more flash in me. I'm trying to lose weight. Guess I had something to say about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I&ob=av3e