Friday, March 4, 2011

The Big Bad Wolf Likes Flowers



No. Really he does. I caught him just yesterday stealing Sleeping Beauty’s roses right off her bush. No worries though—she slept through the whole incident and if she noticed that anything was a muss when she awoke, well, she never said.

Last week I saw him creep into Little Miss Muffet’s house. Did you know she grows rare and unusual poppies in a greenhouse? (You wouldn’t believe the things Mother Goose left out of her tell-all book. Of course, that’s another tale.)

So anyway, yup, there he was all furry and bad-assed popping poppies as if they were candy. He crammed his slobbery jaws full of the contraband and stole into the shadows. As if the village wouldn’t notice. I mean, really. Everyone knows that Old Mother Hubbard watches the goings on around here—anything to avoid her heathen children. He had to know that she’d see his transgression and alert the community.

So I decided to follow Big Bad and see what trouble he’d get into today. I stalked him easily as I am very small, no bigger than a thumb you might say. Anyway, I followed him into the forest. His nose tilted to the sky and I could tell that he was tracking something. He turned away from the well-worn path and veered into the wild brush. Trees slapped against him, but he stayed his course. I could only wonder at what scent had so enticed him. Curiosity propelled me over gnarly tree roots and suspicious mounds of earth. The going was difficult, but someone had to stop this serial florist.

Eventually we came to an old little house surrounded by an ominous barricade. A sign out front read; “Ye have stumbled upon the dwarf dwelling. Trespassers be shot!” This must be Snow White’s house. I watched as the wolf climbed over the old stone wall that circled the compound. I waited until his last paw had fallen out of view and then proceeded to scale the thing myself. Luckily I was small enough to slip through one of the many cracks webbing their way across its surface.

I admit to being a bit apprehensive about searching the place. It’d been years since anyone had seen Snow. And there was that whole scandal over her divorcing the prince and moving back in with the dwarfs. She said she missed her “uncles” but no one believed her. They’d walled themselves into this forested hovel and we’d quietly gossiped from the village edge. So tramping through Snow’s hidden garden was a tad unnerving. I kept my eyes wide and followed Bid Bad’s furry tail.

He peered into a window, sniffing it’s ledge, and licking the glass. What on earth was he about? I watched—perplexed—as he repeated this behavior with each window. We came to the back of the house and he paused by the back door. Something inside the house had caught his eye and I blushed as he became…er…um…excited. His back leg began to thump and he made a soft howling sound deep in his throat. What hell was he about? I crept up the side of the house and pressed my face against the dirty window. Whatever Snow did out here in the woods didn’t involve cleaning. I had to wipe a small section clean to be able to see.

What I saw will haunt me till the day I die. “Uncles” my ass! The seven dwarfs had Snow in a most compromising position and she seemed rather happy about it. I turned bright red, I’m sure, before quickly turning away. I suppose that are advantages to seven men…even if they are wee.

Thankfully the wolf found the scent he was after and moved on to a secret trail leading from the back of the house. We trekked down some old stone steps and into a strange shed-like-thing. It turned out to be a spring house. Lily pads floated along the water’s surface, their delicate flowers emitting the sweetest aroma. Big Bad inhaled deeply then set about collecting them.

He worked quickly, filling his satchel and pockets. Soon there was only one lily pad left. A small croak stopped Big Bad’s steady hands. “Please don’t take my home, Sir!” It was the frog-prince. He was still awaiting his kiss it seemed.

The wolf looked at him a moment. “You can live elsewhere, it’s a big forest.”

“But I can’t. This is where my sweet princess will find me and break the spell with a kiss.”

The wolf pondered this a moment. “So move into the cattails. She’ll find you there.”

The frog-prince frowned. “But good sir, this is my home. Besides, you have plenty of flowers. Your pockets are overflowing!”

The wolf yielded a wicked chuckle (they don’t call him Big Bad for nothing). “You know FP, it’s been years since I had me some frog legs. Do they still taste like chicken, I wonder?”

The frog-prince gulped and took a backward hop. But it was too late. Big Bad snatched the amphibian up and ruthlessly ripped his legs off before swallowing the screaming creature. The wolf smiled with true satisfaction. “Treasures and a snack…what a wonderful day this is!” He turned and looked at me. “Wouldn’t you agree Thumbelina?”

I was too scared to move. My voice stuck in my throat. I willed my feet to work, to take me far away from this murderer. He tenderly scooped up the lily and set it inside his satchel. “Would you like a lift back to the village young lady?” I vigorously shook my head no. He laughed and I cringed. “I’m a wolf, you know, I’ve an excellent sense of smell. Care to tell me why you’ve been following me all day?” Again I shook my head no.

He leaned over me and I think I might have pissed my pants. “Can’t speak little one? Not even a morsel. I’ll tell you what. Keep your trap shut and I won’t eat you. Do we have a deal?” This time I shook my head yes. He left me there in my little puddle of fear.

It was several hours later that I made my way back into the village. I went straight to Humpty’s house, as he was our unofficial mayor, and made my confession. He immediately split down the center, his yolky face boiling with rage. “There’s been a murder in Fairyville?! Obscene! Call the neighborhood watch!” He bellowed at the king’s horsemen. “Inform Old King Cole! Justice must prevail.”

The villagers crowded together, murmuring amongst themselves. “Poor frog!” they whispered. “That wolf has always been trouble.” “First he’s a serial florist and now this!” The gossip swelled and I knew it wouldn’t be long before an angry mob formed. To his credit, Humpty tried to calm the rabble. But it was useless.

The crowd roared and took up their scythes and pitches and torches. They filed down the streets of Fairyville with bloodlust burning in their eyes. They surrounded Big Bad’s house and shouted at him to come out. The wolf ignored them until the baker threw a stone in his window. The door of his home slammed open and Big Bad sneered at the townsmen. “You’re too late; my creation is complete!”

That was a seemingly odd thing to say and they puzzled over it. I hung back away from them, knowing that I didn’t want caught up in whatever Big Bad had planned. I inspected the goggles on his head and the mad scientist white coat and knew he’d done something awful. His laughter crackled through the night air. “Meet my sweet!”


...Too Be Continued... I'm thinking I may turn this into a whacked out novel or long short story...

5 comments:

  1. Sounds to me like 'Big Bad' has created something evil and erotic. Whacked out novel, indeed...

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  2. Well, he's definitely up to no good!

    *Insert evil giggle here* Brwhahahahaha!!!!

    :D

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  3. What a mad wolfman. The frog prince should have offered to garden a little for him, in exchange for the timeshare.

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  4. Serial florist? BUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious, Kat!

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  5. Don't let us wait too long for the next Big Bad wicked installment! :D

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