The joy that burst 'neath my breast as I casually strolled the lingerie aisle was pure bliss. It's an addictive feeling, really. The idea that you've got someone to play naughty games with is so heady that it trudges you past the size 6 black lacy treats to your own double-digit size. It's false pride, a delusion that convinces you that your guy will think you're absolutely gorgeous (minus a roll here or there).
It was surreal. One of my best experiences ever.
My tiny hands skimmed soft silky fabric. My eyes glazed over with visions of happy endings running through my head as I found a matching garter belt. I just knew you'd love this surprise.
I had it all planned out.
You'd walk in the door, find me looking incredibly fetching in my new naughty nightie and heels (can't forget the heels!). A bountiful spread of your favorite feast laid out on the table. Soft candle light to warm the room while Bob Dylan sings "Lay Lady Lay" from the stereo. It was going to be amazing.
Then I saw the bondage store.
I eyed it with suspicion and blatant fear.
The clerk was a punk with green hair and chain from his nose to his ear. I stood there holding my dainty underwear in a pretty pink bag that read, Victoria's Secret. He snorted and exhaled a stream of smoke. He looked me up and down, then scoffed. "You're too timid for this store, Lady." That pissed me off. Timid? Me? Pffffffffft. I marched into the sore like Sherman marching to sea. I'll show him timid.
I spun a full circle before I realized that I didn't have a clue what I was looking at. I heard Mr. Green chuckle behind me. "Here, try these." He shoved some powder blue polka dotted scarves in my hands. "Let your old man tie you up with those." My eyes went wide. "Tie me up?" My voice squeaked and I blushed.
He laughed out loud. "Um...this is an S&M shop, you know." I bristled at his dig and snapped, "I know that. Show me something interesting." He looked at me again. "I guess you do have some spunk. Ok, lady, check this out." He pointed at a contraption hanging from the ceiling. I paled visibly. "A torture device?!" I shrieked.
Mr. Green clucked his tongue, "No. A Spiderweb. You get in it. It hangs from the ceiling and your old man can come at you from any angle, spin you around. Whatever he likes. But you can't really move much. You're just suspended there." I looked at the crazy thing through slitted eyes. "So I become an inanimate object?"
"It's not as bad as it sounds. It's sexy. One of our best sellers." I looked at the leather monstrosity. I looked at Mr. Green. "Ok....I'l try it..." But I wasn't convinced.
So my brilliant seduction scene took me all day. I cooked. I cleaned. I shaved things that I'm pretty sure shouldn't be shaved. I curled my hair, did my make-up, put on the flimsy bit of naughtiness. Then I hung the beast. I climbed into it. I squirmed. It flipped me upside down. I shrieked. I fought the bastard, but it won. It hooked my leg up thatta-way and my arms over here. And that, Sweetie, is how I got tangled up in this damn thing! Now can you please stop laughing long enough to cut me down?"
* The characters in this tale are fictional...any similarities to real people are coincidental!!! But that is exactly why I'd rather kick it old school. Just me and my guy. Hehhehehehee. ;)
Love this tune.