Thursday, June 23, 2011

That's A What I like!

5 Ways to Turn Your Man On

The website flashed with pretty pale pink letters and I paused for a second. The girl with perfect abs grinned knowingly from my monitor. Things had been a bit stale with Joe for awhile now…for the last 13 years to be exact. Oh sure, we still had sex…if you can call hitting the hot spots in the same order at precisely 9:00 pm every Friday…sex.

I looked at the 20-something blond and could just tell that she had epic sex. I read the list again. “A man appreciates a woman who looks her best.” Hmmm. I looked at my fuzzy purple bunny slippers. How long had it been since I’d worn make-up? I couldn’t remember. I walked over to my vanity and blew a layer of dust in the air. Okay, it’s definitely been too long since I dolled myself up.

It was easy to say I was busy with the kids and mundane household duties, but I had to confess that I’d just been lazy.

I went through the whole mess. The shaving, plucking, tweezing, face painting, perfuming, and curlers then I looked in the mirror at my “Mom Uniform.” The butt of my gray sweat pants sagged halfway to my knees. My t-shirt drooped making one boob look uneven with the other. I shook my curler laden head in disgust and rummaged through my closet for something a bit spicier—or at least feminine.

I came back with a low cut tank top and some jeans. I squeezed the jeans on and shrieked at the role of blubber hanging over the waist. I unbuttoned the jeans and relaxed a little when the roll seemed less obvious. Then I donned the tank top and a push-up bra like those pop stars wear. By the time I decided on which pair of heels to wear—I was feeling pretty confident. The tank was long enough to hide the unbuttoned-roll mess and my war paint looked pretty good.

My confidence faltered as I unrolled my hair—to my horror—it stood on end like a puffed poodle! I quickly plugged in my curling iron to do some serious damage control. Moments later I was viciously dragging the iron through my brown helmet, taming the maniac mane. Then I herd the kids come in. I jerked my head to the side like a child caught steeling candy. The iron burnt a huge red welt on my forehead and I dropped the demonic thing in pain. But I was determined to light my Joe up, so I bravely patched the burn with gauze and looked at the website again.

“This is the age of technology. Nothing gets a man hotter than a naughty text message.”

Hmm. I eyed my cell phone with suspicion. What could I say that would get his blood going? I looked at the bed. I thought about what I knew he liked. I thought about what I could possibly say. And then I thought; this is stupid. Knowing Joe he’d be happier with a plate of chicken wings. Chicken wings! That’s the ticket. Combine food and sex? There’s no way that could go wrong! I quickly texted him, “Hey Babe, I can’t wait for you to get home and stuff my creampie with your Bismarck!”

He responded seconds later. My excitement died as I read his text. “What? You want me to bring donuts home? I thought you liked those jelly ones?” I hung my head in frustration. I texted him again, “No Sweetie, I want you to stuff my creampie with your Bismarck.” He texted back, “Huh? Maybe the donut shop will know what you’re talking about. I’ll ask them.” I groaned and told him, “Never mind Joe. Jelly donuts are fine.”

Nothing seemed to be working out like I’d hoped, but I had faith in the article. I mean busty blonds don’t look that happy for nothing, right? Next on the list:

“Make eye contact. A man loves to know he’s the only one you’re looking at.”

I waited for Joe to get home and when he walked in the door I winked at him. He looked me up and down, and then frowned. I said, “I missed you Sweetie” and leaned up to smooch him. I winked at him again. He set a box of jelly donuts on the counter and felt my brow. “What?” I asked. He shrugged, “Just checking. What happened to your forehead? And is something wrong with your eye?” I blushed, “Nothing’s wrong! I just winked at ya.” I touched my wound, “Battle with the curling iron.” He nodded and pointed at the donuts. “The donut shop had no idea what creampie you were talking about, but the kid behind the counter snickered at me. Little snot.”

I grabbed the box and put it in the refrigerator to hide a snicker of my own. I cleared my throat, “Well you know how kids are these days. No respect.” I turned back to look at him and he seemed to consider me more closely. “You’re acting strange today. What’s with this get up?” I smiled seductively (I hoped) and told him, “I wanted to dress a little sexier for you. Don’t you like it?” Joe frowned, “It’s different.” He started toward me and I got excited thinking he might kiss me. But he scooted me out of his way to grab a beer instead. I hid my disappointment.

Later that night, after the kids had gone to bed, I remembered the website. I went upstairs and clicked out of the page, cursing the lying blond as I did so. I took off the tank top and push-up bra. Tossed my heels back in the closet, I shimmied outta my jeans and scrubbed my face clean. I put my hair in a pony tail and pulled on an old faded pair of boy shorts and a soft cotton sleeper top with thin straps. I bounded down the stairs and curled up next to Joe with less enthusiasm than I felt.

He wrapped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. I felt his hand brush my ponytail away from my neck and I smiled at him. He grinned back at me and for a second I thought I spied a spark of something. “You haven’t put your hair up in a ponytail in ages. Remember when Joe Jr. was in baseball and you’d wear your hair in a ponytail and a ball cap for his baseball games? I always loved that. You looked so cute at those games.”

I laughed and slugged him playfully. “You never told me that before!” I shook my head and chuckled again. “You want another beer, you old softy?” Joe grinned at me and said, “Sure.” I was halfway to the kitchen when his voice stopped me. “You sure can rock a pair of shorts for an old broad, you know that?” I turned around in shock, hands on hips. “You gotta be kidding me! I spent hours trying to get dolled up for you to turn you on and all you really wanted was a ponytail and a pair of boy shorts? Seriously?!”

Joe sat up and grinned, his sexy smile making my heart skip a beat. “And a wiggle in your walk…” He walked up to me and he had my undivided attention. “And a giggle in your talk…” He kissed me hotly, nipping at my lips—then smacked my ass. I squealed, my eyes bright with excitement, big goofy grin that made the years melt away. “What I really want is to watch those sweet cheeks racing up the stairs.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice.


  1. Kat A1.. It was brilliant! even my much beloved loved it.

  2. It is a cute ending! Looks like the tips work on at least one fella.

  3. This is pretty sweet. As someone who has, er, burned herself with a hair device before, I sympathize! And "stuff my creampie with a Bismark?" I might have to try that. Um.

  4. "I went through the whole mess." - This was really funny.

  5. Lol. Glad you all had fun! :)

  6. There ain't nothin' in the world like a big-eyed girl...

    Haven't heard that song in ages.

    Very enjoyable story. Reminds me that free advice isn't worth what you pay for it.