Thursday, December 24, 2009

Elf Madness

The eggnog was chilling nicely in a large cut-crystal bowl when Rufus found it. He looked to the east, he looked to the west. Everyone was busy making toys, wrapping gifts, and loading the sled. He hated Christmas. It was all work, work, work. Three hundred years of slaving for the old man and snot-nosed brats had gotten to him.

Not that he was bitter or anything. Rufus was a good elf. He worked hard, but he needed a break. Maybe he should vacation in Tahiti. He felt a moment's indecision as he looked around the room one more time. It was nearly time for the workshop to close. Everyone would pile into the dining hall and fill their cups with yummy eggnog. It was now or never.

Carefully he unscrewed the cap and poured the bottle of rum into the bowl. He stirred it with a stifled snicker. This was one way to take the edge off and liven the joint up a bit. He concealed the empty bottle under his vest and slipped out of the room--unseen.

A short while later Grouff, the foreman, called the end of day for the workers. They cheered happily that Christmas was two days away. They sang carols and laughed as they filed into the dining hall. The chefs had prepared a feast of ham and mashed potatoes and bread pudding. The bounty was spread across the table, capped off with fresh fruit and eggnog. A line formed as they filled their plates and poured eggnog into their cups.

Rufus watched from the far corner, waiting. Merry stood beside him and took his hand in hers. Her pretty face smiled at him and her nose crinkled a bit. He liked its little upturned tip. "Where have you been Ruffey?" He squeezed her hand and reassured her, "I've been here, Sweetheart." He kissed her cheek and bid her to go eat while there was still food to be had.

A half hour into the meal Santa noticed that the singing was louder than usual. He searched the room and looked closely at the flushed faces of his elves as they laughed and carried on. The huge bowl of eggnog was nearly empty. Henry and Carmichael were squabbling at the back of the room. Jenny was flirting with several of the elves around her--even those who were married. Why were they acting so strange? He couldn't imagine.

Santa stood up to call the ruckus to order when chaos broke out. Gary ripped his shirt off and yelled like Tarzan as he swung from the chandelier. Cheers and whistles roared across the room. Rufus crouched in the corner doubled-over laughing. Santa yanked the elf up by his collar. "What have you done to them, Rufus?"

Tears streamed down Rufus' face and he could scarcely breathe from laughing so hard. "I spiked the eggnog, Sir." Santa's cheeks burned. Jenny began dancing on the table and Gary was now acting like a monkey--hanging upside-down from the chandelier. Several fights broke out. Some of the younger elves where trying to climb up to the other chandelier. It was madness. Rufus laughed harder. Santa growled at him, "You have list duty tomorrow. I hope you've enjoyed your prank. Production better not suffer in the morning." He released the hysterical little elf and retired to his bedroom.

Before long, his wife joined him. She winked at him and he noticed a suspicious sparkle in her eyes. She trailed fingers up the front of his pajamas. "What's a girl gotta do to make your naughty list?" He groaned and pushed her away. "Mother, have you been in the eggnog tonight?" She stood up and started to sing "Santa Baby" while unbuttoning her blouse. He sat up straight and cried out--"Mother!" She winked at him and dropped garment after garment until his cheeks stung red with embarrassment for her lack of shame. Then she crawled up him--still singing sweetly. He put his hands on her shoulders to stop her. "Woman, you've been drugged! Rufus spiked the eggnog. Just get some sleep before you do something to earn a lump of coal."

She sat back on her heels and cocked her head to the side she laughed at him, buzzing cheerily. "Oh, Papa, I'm after a lump alright. But it isn't coal." She wriggled her eyebrows at him suggestively and straddled his hips. She leaned in close and rubbed her cheek against his scruffy beard. Then she tickled his big belly before kissing him hotly. With a clap of her hands the light went out. She nipped teasingly as his lips and whispered against his shocked mouth, "Where do you think Rufus got the rum?"

Merry Christmas everybody!!!


  1. Oooh, Mrs Claus, you naughty girl *blushes* Great story! ;)

  2. That's what I mean by Christmas spirit!

    What's his excuse for the rest of the year? Surely not pressures of work?

    Festive greets

    marc nash

  3. Haha. Mrs. Claus not going for a lump of coal indeed! Great story!

  4. I love just how *wrong* this story is.

    Mrs. Claus on the naughty list? I may never get that image out of my head. **shivers**

  5. Nice one, Kat...or should I say naughty? :)

  6. Oh what fun! Thanks for a great Christmas laugh.

  7. A good story in a creepy sort of's almost as bad as knowing your parents get up to such antics!! :D

  8. What a fun read! A holiday twisted tale with a quaff of rum ;)

  9. An excellent, fun read! Definitely creates a new definition for "naughty or nice"......although the image I get of Mrs. Claus is more like Betty White wearing something from Frederick's of Hollywood. But your story was great from beginning to end (like an updated, fractured fairy tale)!