Sunday, May 30, 2010

Open A Vein

I have something to say to the beautiful people who read my seedy little blog. Huh. Seedy? Yeah, someone I loved used to call it that. :)

Anyway, if you've been reading then you know I've been writing like a neurotic crackhead walking around in a shell-shocked state of drama and depression. I've been oozing text as if it were my life's blood and my heart was naught more than a shrapnel laden lump in my chest. I have been indulgent and reveled in my wallowing...

It turns out that I don't handle loss well. Lol. Okay, understatement of the year. When my Grandfather died in 2000 I withdrew for a whole year, couldn't function, couldn't breathe. I haven't hurt like this since he died. I know it's not the same. Relationships end, people move on, the world keeps spinning, the fucking sun shines. I get it. I see it. I'm here--in this manic present.

It's just...there is so much ugliness in the world--so much pain--that when I find something beautiful it's my nature to hold onto it and protect it fiercely. I will fight for what is important to me to the bitter end...even if it costs me pieces of myself. That's not necessarily a good thing. But it's who I am. I can't wrap my brain around throwing away something good and pure...for no reason. It baffles me. Cripples me.

But I've wallowed long enough. The pain is still here. I still write about him, but I'm gonna try like hell not to post about him ever again. So I may not post anything for awhile, or maybe I'll post total bullshit, or maybe I'll post something decent everyday. I don't know.

I never choose my topics, they choose me.

I may mess up and post something inspired by him--if I do--slap me. Because it would only be in the pathetic hopes that he might see it. Might feel something...even just a twinge of remorse. And I'm not that girl. I can't be that girl. I'm not stepping in front of a train because he doesn't love me. I'm done begging and pleading with him, hoping he'll answer. It's ridiculous and I have my pride....what's left of it.

At least when my grandpa died it made sense to me. I could rationalize it. This? This is just stupidity. Selfish stupidity. And I'm too old for these kind of games.

Sorry for being such a buzzkill. Take care and happy blogging y'all.



    It's not until you move on that you find peace.
    Bravo, chicka, bravo.
    P.S. Even your bloodletting blogging is very well written!!!! LOL

  2. Lol. Dang it Cathy. I wish you lived closer. I would so love to hang out someday. Have a drink and gossip, lol. Gotta say you have been awesome to me and really encouraging. You ever need anything, Chicka, give me a holler.


  3. I understand too... I spent a long time in a place where the sun never shone down on me. I couldn't understand why everyone else seemed to be having such a great time. Then one day, I decided enough was enough and I would stand alone and live my life the way I wanted it to be... Just my five year old son and myself... the rest of the world could and should take a long hike off a very short pier. But life isn't like that... My much beloved, who as far as I knew was just a friend at work, was making plans of his own and he was including me in them. To me, he wasn't my Mister Right, but how wrong could I have been.
    Kat, as much as life can be shit, it can also throw up many unexpected surprises too. If you a willing to wait, and learn how to smile a lot more, life is very rewarding even in your darkness hours.

    My much beloved and I have been together for fourteen years now and every day has been a treasure to me. In my darkness of darkness moment I popped so many pills believing my son would be better of without me, how mind-blowingly stupid was that to do.
    Life is for living and enjoying as your grandfather had shown you. Now I only write about the darkness now because everyday I walking in the sunshine of living life to the full.

    Keep smile, Kat.

    J X

  4. Thank God, young Kat, you're too good a writer to continue to wallow in such self pity. You're still young, so each new scar on your heart feels like the worst pain ever, but when you get to be a wise old tiger like myself you'll realize that no man is worth it. Especially him. Always remember, this too shall pass.

  5. Hey J. :)

    Thank you for sharing your story and for your kind words. I know you're right. I'm dating and having fun right now and if someone becomes important--cool. If not--cool. I'm not obsessing and trying to find that missing piece. I'm just being young for now. :)

    VL-- thank you for the compliment on my writing. I didn't know you read my blog, lol.

    You may be right about no man being worth this. But please understand that I sincerely loved this man. It wasn't a crush or trivial. It much more. I never felt about anyone they way I felt about him. To me, he was perfect, flawed and beautiful, and perfect for me...And I'm almost 32, that's not so young. ;)