I have something to say to the beautiful people who read my seedy little blog. Huh. Seedy? Yeah, someone I loved used to call it that. :)
Anyway, if you've been reading then you know I've been writing like a neurotic crackhead walking around in a shell-shocked state of drama and depression. I've been oozing text as if it were my life's blood and my heart was naught more than a shrapnel laden lump in my chest. I have been indulgent and reveled in my wallowing...
It turns out that I don't handle loss well. Lol. Okay, understatement of the year. When my Grandfather died in 2000 I withdrew for a whole year, couldn't function, couldn't breathe. I haven't hurt like this since he died. I know it's not the same. Relationships end, people move on, the world keeps spinning, the fucking sun shines. I get it. I see it. I'm here--in this manic present.
It's just...there is so much ugliness in the world--so much pain--that when I find something beautiful it's my nature to hold onto it and protect it fiercely. I will fight for what is important to me to the bitter end...even if it costs me pieces of myself. That's not necessarily a good thing. But it's who I am. I can't wrap my brain around throwing away something good and pure...for no reason. It baffles me. Cripples me.
But I've wallowed long enough. The pain is still here. I still write about him, but I'm gonna try like hell not to post about him ever again. So I may not post anything for awhile, or maybe I'll post total bullshit, or maybe I'll post something decent everyday. I don't know.
I never choose my topics, they choose me.
I may mess up and post something inspired by him--if I do--slap me. Because it would only be in the pathetic hopes that he might see it. Might feel something...even just a twinge of remorse. And I'm not that girl. I can't be that girl. I'm not stepping in front of a train because he doesn't love me. I'm done begging and pleading with him, hoping he'll answer. It's ridiculous and I have my pride....what's left of it.
At least when my grandpa died it made sense to me. I could rationalize it. This? This is just stupidity. Selfish stupidity. And I'm too old for these kind of games.
Sorry for being such a buzzkill. Take care and happy blogging y'all.