Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dirty Rotten Terrible Jokes

Did you hear about the lesbians who moved to Ohio?

Yeah, they heard there was a Licking County.

Once upon a time there were these three couples who sat down to eat dinner. The first husband turned to his wife and said, "Please pass the sugar, Sugar." So she did. The second husband turned to his wife and said, "Please pass the honey, Honey." So she did. The third husband, thinking it was all a joke, turned to his wife and said, "Pass the pork, Pig!"

*Note: He was never heard from again, lol.

What's black and blue and red all over?

A brunette who told too many blond jokes.

* Hence the reason I don't tell blond jokes. Hehehehehehe.

Sorry. It's been too quiet today. I couldn't take it anymore!


  1. Hey Kat: Here's a good one:

    Voodoo Dildo

    There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

    He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except - " and he stopped.

    "Except what?" the man asked.

    "Nothing, nothing."

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

    "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

    The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

    Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

    "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

    He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
    experienced before.

    After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

    Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

    On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

    Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

  2. Words! I'm at a lost... so I'll just ;-)

  3. OMG!! Mark! ROTFLMAO!

    Yeah. My blog just went south. Lmao! Sooo bad.

    Sooo glad I wasn't drinking something when I read that, lol.


  4. Hi Kate!

    Those jokes were great.

    Do you know what else is great? Robot pancake-making. Check out my blog for more.

  5. Hi Zack!

    What happened to Pablo? I think your personalities are getting away from you, lol. ;p

  6. Who is Pablo?

  7. Who is Kate? No freaking Kate here. Lol.

    So when's your next match, Zach. I thought all pro wrestling was fake...

  8. Are you sure you're not blonde?

    Kayfabe is the maintenance of the illusion.

    If this WAS pro-wrestling I'd go to work on you. I'd pound on you. Just pound and pound.

  9. Blond?! Oh!!!

    "If this WAS pro-wrestling I'd go to work on you. I'd pound on you. Just pound and pound."


    I dunno. I fight dirty. Kat's have claws, remember? ;p

  10. Finally grew cajones large enough to become a minion, huh? Took you long enough. Humph.

    This blog isn't for the faint of heart.

    Btw, your mug never looked cuter. ;)


  11. Finally? This is my first visit here. Honestly, I was expecting there to be more about pancakes.

    You're funny.

  12. Ha!

    I'm funny? I've got nothin' on you, Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch. Not even if I did stand-up for a million years. ;p

    You know...too many pancakes will make you fat. Better add another half hour to your workouts...just

    *disclaimer: 80% of what I say is total bunk. Thought you'd like a head's up since you're "new." ;D